a.k.a Jacob Clifton Email JAClifton@gmail.com Likes Stoli, Marlboro Red 100s, comics, efficiency, Biggy Shortie. DisLikes Sartorial apathy, waking up late, poor customer service, stalkers Favourite Shows Battlestar Galactica, Friday Night Lights, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The O.C., Big Brother, Laguna Beach, Weeds, Gossip Girl, Nighty Night, Nathan Barley, Farscape, Mad Men, The Riches Bio Jacob lives and writes in Austin, TX Recaps The Casino, Entourage, American Idol, The Apprentice, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Farscape
"Viva La Vida" introduces us to freckly emo-haired cutie Adam Lambert (26, Hollywood), who thinks he's got a shot. He's been in the cast of Wicked for like a year and a half, and will be singing "Bohemian Rhapsody." Two facts which in combination scare me more than maybe anything. Simon falls in love immediately, because he knows you can sell this shit. Every band in what used to be the TRL bracket is just like this: gay, with hair like this. We are turning into Japan and don't even know it. So Adam sings his song just like he's been in the cast of Wicked for like a year and a half, and -- and I do not mean this in a bad way -- has been stabbed in the abdomen. More secrets than Jason Castro's little brother, this one.
Paula loves it, Kara gets pissy with Simon for no reason, Randy thinks he has a shot at the bigtime, Simon is in, and he's through. Kara and Adam talk about his "crush" that he's had on Paula since he was ten, and Adam pretty much ignores Kara completely because she's making him uncomfortable, to the point where she gives him a last-ditch wink, but whatever, go watch him on YouTube because this lady is secretly the talented Chris Crocker and maybe the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life, and I cannot WAIT to see him freak out all over America's face. He's like what would happen to Sanjaya in prison. He's like if Ziggy Stardust and Cyndi Lauper had a very magical, very gay baby with an unbelievable range and the ability to shoot glitter and cocaine and entire battalions of Pussycat Dolls out of his hoo-hah. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/auditions_san_francisco.php?page=8
Altogether there were twelve tickets to Hollywood tonight: Kai, a pretty blonde chick who enjoys jumping up and down and hangs with a woman with an awesome white stripe in her auburn hair; the girl who sang "Son Of A Preacher Man" to a lady; a fake redhead with a pink scarf; Adam from the theatre with black emo bangs and obligatory messenger bag gone wild on his person; the annoying pink-haired girl; fucking Tatiana; a hot girl in a sweater-dress and long Diana Ross locks; that guy that whored out six fucking generations of his family; a girl in an orange hoodie under a brown hoodie over an aqua tank over a white tank over who knows what else; happy skipping Grobanite Twiford; somebody else. Tomorrow: Louisville, KY. Where there are horses, mint julep, horrible singing, and the distinction of being a town in Kentucky people have heard of. See you there. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/auditions_san_francisco.php?page=9
Then a bunch of groups are dunked. Jeremy Michael Sarver, whose names are constantly changing but whose roughneck hotness goes unchanged, steps up; Adam Lambert does his whole amazing thing, with that fake black hair and horrible skin; Matt "Certain Kind Of Porn" Breitzke rocks; his teammate Jesse Langseth does some awesome stuff; more Lambert with his entire crazy wonderland of weirdness; and both groups do well. I only recognize a few people, but I really like that Jesse girl. And Lambert, as long as he stays totally weird. And learns about exfoliation, stat. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/hollywood_group_night.php?page=10
And who made it through? Those four long-haired girls of Meghan's, including a fedora girl, blind guy, vote-splitters Lambert and Von, a small girl, the roughneck and the non-roughneck, a man in a hat, tall Junot in a crazy shirt, Argyle Sweaters Cuomo, India, apparently one of the members of Fall Out Boy, Castro's whole group I think, a more palatable Emily that I vaguely remember -- Alexis Grace, maybe? -- that Kai dude with the awful curly hair and cute mom, the creepy gay kid, the Third Fanning and what looks to be a single mom if ever I saw one, a girl totally embarrassed by the two aforementioned celebrants, that asshole from Silver Lake, FOB's creepy/hot lip-licking friend and their meth-using compatriot-slash-typing pool secretary, manhugs in abundance, a guy who is not Castro but completes the FOB foursome, more hugging -- always with the hugging, and always turned away from the camera so it matters even less -- the three chicks of Castro with Castro far behind, and the giganticest granola: Danny Gokey's whole group with angels and Smurfs bringing them tea in cute little magic cups.
First up: Adam Lambert, whom Kara found to be too musical theatre still. Paula agreed, but then disagreed with herself. Simon didn't seem to like him that much, but he's clearly talented and can make money. Ryan blanches when he says he's chosen to sing "Believe" by Cher; he assures us it won't be horrible, and then it sort of is. Of course, it's horrible in the most fascinating way, like one of those sad slow piano covers everybody must do from time to time, and I can't say I didn't ask for these kinds of mash-up outside-the-box ideas. It's a little cooler in concept than it could ever be in execution, which seems to be Adam's specialty. Good thing his voice is Broadway-trained, even if it's a bit sharp throughout. Also, it is a good thing that he is a lady.
Room 1: Lambert and Silver Lake cuddle creepily, and then Paula comes in looking possessed. Ravenclaw is the most obvious room so I won't waste time: overthought Lambert and Silver Lake, Mathlete Anoop, way-overwrought Danny and Jamar, Drama Mama and Giraud, a blonde girl we met earlier, and of course Blind Guy, Lil Rounds and Scott MacIntyre. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/hollywood_the_sorting_hat.php?page=6
But for serious, I can't believe how little we've actually accomplished here. From 72 to 54? What? Why not eliminate two rooms and be done? Because then there would be no Chair. And I do love the Chair. Whatever, my spirit is already broken this week. I hope for the Chair not only that Danny and Jamar will be face-off'd, but also that they will give Tatiana and Normund a couple of knives, lock them in a janitor's closet, and see what happens. Every single goddamn time Tatiana gets through, it hurts worse. It's like a Greek punishment myth, only instead of your liver growing back it's Tatiana del Toro. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/hollywood_the_sorting_hat.php?page=7
Alex walks Cody out awkwardly, and Cody's broken heart is pretty much the saddest thing in the world. Ryan's like, "That's fucking horrible, right?" Alex is more concerned with Cody staying upright. Outside, Silver Lake runs to Cody and acts like she's shitting out her entire digestive system, Alex and Cody have a little hug, and Lambert is sad that his Mini-Me is done.
Adam heads inside, looking fly from far away. We remember his screechy and emotional "Believe" from last night, and remember -- as the forums made abundantly clear -- that we're seeing what would happen if Clay and Constantine had a little bit of a baby. Simon's like, "We love you? But Jesus, dude." He wonders if Adam could win the show, or sell records. (No, and Yes.) Simon admits that his part in the unanimous decision is surprising, and then gets flirty letting Adam know that he's in. "Now's the time to get dramatic," Kara says, but he hugs her anyway. He is totally professional and charming leaving them, and get lots of applause from the crowd: Jamar, Kai, and Alex getting snubbed. That's three.
Here they are: Jasmine in a Pink Lady jacket, Dueling Piano Matt with dueling piano airguns, Jeanine whom I don't recognize, "Nick" making creepy Phantom Of The Paradise moves at the camera, Allison with the red hair, Kris that cute guy we never saw, Megan "Joy" Corkrey wearing a pregnancy dress with white fuzzy dice, Bear Porn Matt, Jesse Langseth looking like she's coming for Bella Swan at the Prom, Kai's horrible Snoopy-Ears hair, the suddenly frightening Mishavonna, and the always frightening Adam Lambert with a fake tan and thirty necklaces working it like they're storming Kiamo Ko and the rent is due.
Next up: Kris Allen, who is so hot it's unbelievable and who will be singing "Man In The Mirror," which will be weird. I wish we'd seen more of him because if I have to look at these bitches for months and months, I would take this guy over just about everybody. Who knows if he has a good voice yet, but I'm rooting for him, because this job can be hard and get you down. It's not like every week you find out you broke some poor fat guy bad enough that he ended up in Playgirl. You know? It's those moments. Is this one of them? He's fine. He's a good performer, his jaw goes sideways when he sings which I always like, his pitch and control are very good. I almost feel like his voice counts against him because you have so many options for second-guessing yourself when the person looks like that, and you also have so many options for hateration if you feel like your chosen pony is getting dicked by this cute guy. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/semifinals_group_b.php?page=9
Kara complains about his song choice, which is valid I'm assuming but we can't really know since this guy just came out of nowhere; Paula looooves him; Simon also loves him. Paula kisses him for agreeing with her. Simon admits he's not the best guy singer -- namedrops Danny, actually -- but that he is fabulous and commercial, which is better. There's the distinct feeling that Simon's addressing the under-the-radar thing by pumping him up, because he really does deserve to get through. Randy points out essentially that this is a great followup to Allison, and Ryan cannot take his hands off the kid, which is always a good sign. Oh, Kris. I do hope we will see you again. Next up, Megan. I'm half-expecting to see Ryan still attached to Kris after the commercial. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/semifinals_group_b.php?page=10
...guess who's up next.
Adam Lambert, man. I hate him because I hate all Adams except Adam Pratt because all Adams make me type "Adama," every single time. I just did it four times. And I hate him because dude, calm down. You are everything people should and do hate about Broadway. Literally. But really, I love him because he is what you call "inner-directed." There's lots of people who are just so into being themselves, whatever that means, and most of the time that means being just enough of themselves so that people won't murder them, or being what other people have told them are themselves to bring them down from the actual crazy that their actual selves would cause them to be, which is how you get a Danny Noriega. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/semifinals_group_b.php?page=14
But Adam Lambert has figured out a way to do this strange thing without restricting it to one weird note; the downside is that when people actually have the wherewithal to do this, it means they are nuts to start with, because a sane person would eventually simmer down or be put on medication. Some artists, though, are so talented and so deeply crazy that the crazy takes them through all the floors of that building like a Wonkavator of crazy into the sky, and they end up someplace new, and I do love that, but I also recognize that it's how you get a Nick Mitchell. Or a Chris Crocker. But so if to this heady mélange you add David Cook's smarmy vision of himself as this millennial artiste -- which is really the best case scenario for where Nate might end up -- you get Adam Lambert. Which is half irritating as fuck, half sort of nightmarishly awesome, and altogether worth watching.
He points out the whole thing about how working in theatre is a mixed bag because on the one hand it's live all the time and you're competing with just the worst people on Earth and not only do you have to watch out for ladders and the aftcastle but you also have to remember that the show must go on no matter how down you are feeling, so even little kids better fucking toughen up and act right because a million kids want your job -- all good things, which I really admire -- but on the other hand, it ruins you for film and TV because you're used to singing to the back row, making faces they can see in the cheap mezzanines, all that, and if you try that shit on camera you are ... Tatiana. So Kara told him he was too dramatic to connect with the song, and he realized he was going to have to fix it. But did he?
...Wow. I don't have the words to codify this experience. It's sort of like getting held down and... snuggled to death... by the boys of Bel Ami. I don't feel overwhelmingly violated? And I can't say I'm not enjoying myself? But it's like this: I am upset deep inside sometimes when a performer has this thing, I don't know what it's called but it's like they have a secret. Like that sneaky, gleeful look that people get when they're on drugs and you're not. I can't handle that in my musicians. I don't like Peter Gabriel, because I feel like there's something he's not telling me, or there's a joke I'm not in on. Björk is like the ghost of a secret with many secrets of its own in a little elf hill, so she's fine. When I was very, very young I hated Tina Turner because I felt like she had a secret. Jason Castro's brother had many secrets. I can't think of any other people on this show with a secret. Clay had no secrets whatsoever. Jessica Sierra had the opposite of secrets. Constantine's whole problem was not enough secrets.
And with Adam, I feel like he is trying to tell us maybe that we are the ones with a secret. Which is so troubling, and made more so by the fact that possibly, he is right. I don't know what my secret is, but I think Adam Lambert does. And I am supremely uncomfortable with that. It's tempting to say that Adam is the gay Constantine, except that fails on several basic levels number one being that nobody in history is gayer than Constantine, and secondly because people responded either really positively or really negatively to Constantine, and my entire response right now is basically a lack of response, and fear for my life. And it occurs to me that they are both theatre people, and maybe there's an explanation for this behavior.
He is not really very attractive, if you take it apart. His skin, I'm going to stop mentioning because enough already, but then there's his stupid girl hair and all the necklaces and the prancing. Oh, Lord, the prancing. But he's definitely a person who is attractive because they are awesome, not because their face is particularly special. And then there's the whole sex thing he's doing, which is basically like an advertisement for this thing called sex, like have you heard about it, which was another main reason I hated Constantine. But there's something balancing it out a little bit. Maybe because he honestly seems like he knows what he's doing, or finds the blatant sex stuff hilarious -- which we know he does -- or just the "you know you've thought about it," kind of offhanded willingness to raise the bar Constantine set so long ago. It's like I always tell my sister: "Sometimes slutty is good, because boys are dumb."
But his voice is good, and can do backflips and your laundry at the same damn time, which is impressive. He has no sense of shame whatsoever, which makes me nervous but serves you well in this kind of game. He seems brilliant and unbearable and up his own ass, which are all attractive qualities. And slutty is, again, good. So I guess... I sort of have a crush on this little performance. Yeah, I gotta say: Put it all together and I am buying it. Or am I? I don't know. It's just ... weird. I'm sorry I keep spinning my wheels here, but I feel weird and crazy.
Adam Lambert just basically did a Normund Gentle skit about dudes literally fucking -- to the tune of "Satisfaction" -- and I find I have no ill will toward him at all: it's "Tainted Love" all over again, but like the person holding the sledgehammer this time actually knows what to do with it.
Ugh, I'm so done. At least the 90-minute burnout didn't show up. Paula's like, "That was like not being here at all and instead being at the Adam Lambert concert," and tells him he's far and away the best this week. True, or not true. Simon's like, "I feel weird and crazy. True or not true. Either way, this is going to make people feel weird and crazy and act weird and crazy." Randy's like, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU." Then he makes a list of every boys' name he -- or I -- ever scrawled on a Trapper Keeper: "It's Steven Tyler meets Fall Out Boy meets Robert Pattinson!" I cannot believe that Randy Jackson just named Robert Pattinson as his number three crush. That is so magical. I want to watch Twilight with Randy Jackson. That is a lie, because obviously really I want to watch Twilight with Ryan Seacrest, but Randy can come.
And so then most awesomely that's exactly what happens -- Ryan's like, "Edward Cullen! He called you Edward!" -- and then even more awesomely Adam Lambert is like, "I know! My favorite book!" And it's... Is this what it's going to be like this year? Ryan and Randy and Adam squealing about Twilight and climbing all over each other? Is Adam Lambert the Peter Sarsgaard of this show and can turn everybody gay even your boyfriend? I know I, for one, feel a little bit gayer than when we started. Don't you? Thanks, Adam.
Usually at this point I give thought to who will go or win or die or whatever happens on this show, but now I just don't even have it in me. That got so bizarre so fast, just like I knew it would, but I forgot it was a marathon and not a sprint, and all I can say is that I will probably still be feeling weird and crazy this time tomorrow, and hopefully you will too. See you there.
Group sing! Ne-Yo's pretty song "Closer" involves: Adam trying to have more sex with you and in that department outshining Matt G, who is wearing an old lady scarf around his shoulders like a nod to the crisp Eastern European weather and itching to grab his crotch; Matt B bouncing awkwardly while Kai revolves his hips in a creepily overexcited, snaky, gay stripper way while trying to be sexy into the camera and basically just coming off like a deranged Sunday School teacher at Happy Hour; and then weirdest of all there's Nick looking once again like he wandered onstage after deserting his mental hospital's day trip to the studio, while next to him Kris does some kind of gay b-boy gyration dancing that says, "I know I'm going home tonight and I'm cool with that. But damn, am I adorable or what?" Then Giraud gets super-squatty, Adam upstages everybody of course, Matt looks completely lost, Kris goes into a total funk meltdown, and Nick is... still onstage. Then they all go into a shoulder-dipping, finger-snapping bit of business, and that's the best part. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/results_group_b.php
The harmonies are nice, but the terrified awkwardness of Nick and Matt B in one shot -- especially when they're having to share the screen with Adam -- is really too much to bear. Then, as a total spoiler alert for you, Adam goes over to one set of girls and upstages them, while Matt G hangs at the back of the other half of the girls, and the remaining four dudes literally just wander around for awhile. Then the same shit happens some more, and then some more. Matt B is starting to make me uncomfortable with how much he shouldn't be here, but not as much as the Diva Wars that continue throughout between Adam and Nick Mitchell. Ladies, please.
Jesse leans back against Kris and mugs terrifyingly for the camera, looking like a pageant contender but for, like, Queen of Porn. I hope she watches that after her elimination and realizes how desperate and Nip/Tuck she looks right now, because man. We visit the kids backstage, which amounts to Adam, Crazyface, and Nick mythologizing themselves; remember Simon pointing out that the time for advice is over; and then some highlights. Which I don't need to be messing around with right now, especially when half of it is Nick Mitchell making a mockery of like everything ever. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/results_group_b.php?page=2
"That leaves us with these three: Nick, Normund and Adam." Simon says he prayed for five or six hours nonstop to send Nick home, and Adam's pants are... Much like Clay Aiken and Constantine Maroulis, they could stand to keep a few more secrets. The reason Age Of Innocence is sexier than 9 1/2 Weeks is the exact reason Adam should rediscover the concept of underwear, like, today. If the whole idea is to make us wonder what sex with you is like, stop demonstrating for us what sex with you is like, and what your penis looks like, and what your o-face looks like, because first of all I sort of feel like I've already done you, which is instant death to smoochy, but mostly because out here in the world, actual sex is the least sexy thing there is: sometimes pornographic cinema films are appropriate, and sometimes they are stomach-turning, and you have to know the difference. I guess when I asked for adult male homosexuality instead of that creepy Keroppi dickless gayness of Clay and Danny -- and let's not forget Nate next week -- I should have been more specific, because I got exactly what I asked for: www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/results_group_b.php?page=5
Nick and Adam. Nick or Adam. I prefer Adam pretty much every way there is, but it's still pretty awesome that it comes down to this. Nick is going home, and Adam is through to the Top 12. Everybody cheers for Nick, and Adam is all about him, and then sings his little song again. And the fact that it's a note-for-note, shot-for-shot reiteration of last night is more than anything comforting, because it means that this is an act and not a psychotic sex break, and he's capable of turning it on and off. So anyway, that's half of the Top 12, and then Wednesday we'll get three more, and then on Thursday we'll have the last three Wild Cards, and then the show can start. And we'll never have to deal with Nate Marshall or Nick Mitchell again. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/results_group_b.php?page=6
OMG so many. There are so many of these jerks. After Megan Joy Corkrey's cute shoes comes Adam Lambert, still wearing so much pancake all over his face it's like the Pillsbury Doughboy got him this job, if you know what I'm saying, and I think you do, then Matt Giraud does a little dance that says, "I don't think I really deserve to be here either, but let's do this." Then Alexis does some strange little vamping move off the stairs and looks exactly like Crista Flanagan in an ugly sexy-overalls type outfit that only works if there's some kind of Fosse in our future, a prospect about which I am of exactly two minds. What in hell is the theme? www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_13_performances.php?page=2
Adam talks about how he fled NYC to the West Coast, and that it has been rough as hell. He says if he'd done it five years earlier, he would have been killed by the horrors of LA. His adorable parents are like, "It's good to be happy with what you're doing, and also to make money." This little package has done more to make me like him as a person than all of the wiener-wagging freakshow cabarets that have ever existed. Way to go, show. And now he will be singing "Black Or White." My theory is that he will do it in some fucked-up way and I will go apeshit because that's what I like, but then I can't imagine this song without that signature guitar riff, which pretty much defines the song. I do know that I'm not deleting this off my TiVo when I turn in this recap, like I usually do, because at least three people have been asking me without any irony, on a weekly basis, when "that guy is going to be on that show" again. Which means the rockband hipsters and violinists of east Austin, at least, are on Adam's side.
Okay, I've been searching my soul tonight, and it's like this. Adam Lambert is not attractive to me in an actual way. Like, as a normal person he seems awesome, but onstage I get that same ooky feeling as Freddie Mercury, or looking at David Bowie's balls in Labyrinth. And I remember that lots of people thought he was attractive in that movie, and I think maybe this was in the same way as Adam Lambert, and either way I don't really get it. But the best way to say it, and I think you will know what I mean when I say this, is that Adam Lambert makes me feel like a young girl who has just discovered gay boys, and wants more than anything to see them kiss each other.
You know the feeling? Not explicitly sexual, just this extreme sense of intrigue and fascination. And it's not good or bad, this feeling, but sort of dangerous and simultaneously waaaaay over there where it can't touch me or implicate me in any way. I don't know what the young, straight male equivalent is, although I posit that it might also be Adam Lambert. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_13_performances.php?page=14
See? Words, again, fail to properly and entirely express what Adam Lambert is like. We are struggling here with the limitations of the genre. I will say that there is catwalking, and just enough emphasis on the romantic parts of the lyrics that you realize the whole song is less a protest against monochrome colors like I always thought, and more about interracial dating as an expression of something or another. There are some explosions or something, and everybody in the audience goes insane the whole time, and all the lights are black and white. (Which ones? Doesn't matter.) And there's a part that is sort of like the apocalypse.
Paula keeps telling the contestants to "take it all in," and for once the crowd is so fucking out of their minds that it seems like a good thing to say. "Never in the history," Paula says of this show, have we seen anybody so comfortable onstage and performing. "Your innate ability to know who you are as an artist, and marry fashion with music," she says. They're both crying pretty hard at this point. I can't imagine what it is like in that audience right now. Something between Oprah and right before an electrical storm. I think I would love to be there, because insane crowds really do it for me, but I also think afterwards I would sleep for a week, grouchily. I'm getting tired just watching these people gnawing on their own arms and pulling out their hair like this.
And then Simon drives them even fucking crazier by pointing out that Adam is in an entire different league from the whole other 12, which makes him and Paula cry even more. Dude, if Adam Lambert won this show I would buy the world a Coke. The judges continue to freak out on him and tell him he could break the charts if he made a record today, and nobody can even fucking handle it, and Kara's like "you invented entire notes" and "I hope Michael Jackson is watching tonight."
Right before Adam actually combusts, Ryan runs in and does the Ryan thing that he does, which is stand back and stare him in the eyes so he doesn't crumble onto the stage with how intense everything just got, and Adam immediately calms down. Ryan holds one hand on the small of his back and gives the numbers, and Adam chills out just long enough to get the hell off the stage. I don't think I need to watch the actual performance again, because it did make me nervous a little bit, but I am totally rewinding the judges' panel. That was awesome. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_13_performances.php?page=15
Way at the top I've got Adam and Allison, and Matt G.
I can't even begin to guess how it's going to shake out this week, though, because of the Danny/Scott factor and the fact that we all probably have MJ songs that we're especially attached to, that are different for everybody. I'm glad nobody sang "Bad" or "Billie Jean," because that would have been boring and gotten them unearned votes. I wouldn't even bother running an office pool this week, because there's just a lot of information we don't have yet. Eightball says "UNCLEAR" at this time, but this time tonight we'll know if anybody even needs to bother against Danny or Scott -- though I guess if you don't like their style of singing you could say the same about Adam and Allison, that they're coasting on a thing people respond to instead of actual talent. Mostly I'm just happy with how talented and fresh this crowd of folks is turning out to be. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_13_performances.php?page=18
Group sing: a "medley of Michael Jackson hits" which amounts to a medley of "I Want You Back" and "ABC," which it turns out are the same song.
Mostly, having Sarver/Gokey/Lambert all attempting to flirt with you at once is about the skeeziest thing imaginable, especially when it also involves highlighting Danny's fucking goon moves all over the place while the rest of them clap and point at how awesome he is. I guess this is a reference to how he can't dance from last night, and possibly a little signal to us that he can't dance, but Adam sure can, so probably Jesus prefers Danny. He would. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_13_results.php?page=2
Ryan refers to both "Lambert" and "Sarver" by name... The pimpmercial is one we've seen before: all of them on various sides of buildings, singing "We Will Rock You."
So that's the whole deal, I guess, and next week we'll jump from the Top 13 to the Top 11, which is so much smaller than 36 that I want to kiss it right on the mouth. Have a great week, stop emailing me if you are crazy and/or can't actually read -- because it's possible after this week that I just might ignore you -- and please remember to take the time this weekend to enjoy some wonderful Michael Jackson, Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson tunes, and drink some delicious Coca-Cola. Now in Diet flavor! www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_13_results.php?page=6
..and then next is Adam Lambert doing some kind of fucked up hoodoo some more.Ryan asks if Adam's going to go the same route as Lil, showing some reverence for the style and demonstrating self-control, and Adam's like, "Fucking what?" Ryan points out the total polar opposition of Adam and Randy Travis, and Adam refers to him as a real "gentleman." The idea of Ryan Seacrest sitting there talking about how Adam and Randy Travis could not be more different in every single way especially the ones you're thinking of is exceedingly skeevy. Then we watch Randy Travis stare into the abyss of crazy that is Adam, and wonder if he's going to live through it. Randy asks if he knows "Ring Of Fire" from Johnny Cash, and he says he's going to sing an arrangement he heard that has an "Eastern influence." And I mean, let's all line up for the chorus of "how dare you butcher" and all that, except for how Johnny Cash was the king of crossing genre covers and loved that shit. He would have laughed his ass off before the song even started, and probably would have grinned his way through the song itself. But we do love our little moral victories. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_11_performances_1.php?page=6
Randy Travis is completely flummoxed and maybe terrified by Adam Lambert, or at least doing the polished version of confusion and gay panic that a lifetime of being a well-known Blind Item can teach you. They try desperately not to cry having to talk to each other. Randy calls him a "very nice guy" and a "great singer," nailpolish notwithstanding, which makes me think he's intensely heterosexual and not at all gay, which is probably just a coincidence and not a really sad thing about the industry coming true right before your eyes... And then, of course, things get super effing freaky.
It is... I hate this, because he makes me talk like Paula because people words don't work for things that are essentially otherworldly, so every week it's difficult to describe without resorting to these weird labored metaphors. So -- beyond saying that the Jeff Buckley vocal resemblance gets stronger every week and somebody needs to mention that already -- like... It's sort of like what if that movie Queen Of The Damned were not only real, but interested in slipping you a roofie and selling you on the black market. He screeches out some kind of artsy orgasm and nearly pulls his shirt up over his head, and then just starts wailing like some forgotten homosexual Greek myth about sailors that never come home. It's... Totally awesome. Of course. I feel weird and crazy, and entertained. Those sudden register shifts used to freak me out with Jeff Buckley too, like, "And now I am a lady... And now I am a dude again." I can't imagine how uncomfortable that must have been for lots and lots of people. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_11_performances_1.php?page=7
But also even if this were Emo-merican Idol, that was still fucking drastic, like, I don't know that the scariest Punky-Colors bisexual weirdo vampire in Westwood would find this less than totally WTF. Or what if you went on a blind date and it turned out to be with Freddy, and then the date went really well and you had to be like, "Unique fashion choices and burned flesh aside, he has a real charisma. A real way about him." Or have you ever read Perdido Street Station? It's like if Pennywise read you a chapter from that while wearing a corset and garters and then tucked you into bed, like, "Sleep tight!" I can't stop thinking about it. It makes sparks on my eyelids when I try to wish for something else.
And you know, I always had fun with the whole Sanjaya "No Future Punk Papaya God of Anarchy" thing, but now? Not even that funny, because it's like the prophecy is coming true. I feel like Blake and Sanjaya started down a certain road where this show can just go fuck itself, and now Adam is making that happen for real. Any other year I would say that this is the show breaking right in front of you, but God knows. Maybe Twilight really did just move us all along the road toward Candyland and we're finally going to admit just how fucking weird we all are, like, if we all do it at once nobody has to feel funny about it.
Kara's like, "This is what Adam doing country music looks like, yes." The audience laughs about how weirded out she is by all of this business, which makes me wonder if America can even handle him this week, but then goes, "It left me confused and sort of happy," which is exactly how I feel every week. (Simon, quietly: "Just like Paula." Zing!) There's this awesome gay version of Maroon 5 with a bleached bouffant sitting with Adam's mom. Paula references "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin, which is savvy in that it makes the whole thing seem less weird, like, "You bought Zeppelin forty years ago, and the Beatles, and honestly if you look back now without taking drugs, that was also a fucked up time in the life of America." A cuddlier kind of apocalypse.
Simon's like, "But what the hell was that?" Randy Travis giggles with quasi-hateful glee and vindication, but then shrinks back and gets pretty disgusted and bummed when Simon further implies that if Adam goes to Nashville he will be gay-bashed. Good on Randy T for feeling yucky about being co-opted into at least one of the ten bullshit things he's been co-opted into. Adam and Ryan agree that Nashville will not welcome them and will not be visiting, and then Ryan giggles about "Remember Taylor Hicks?" I feel like my hatred of the Taylor Hicks thing was actually a time capsule sent back from right now, and my frustration about Constantine and Nadia and Carrie/Taylor was just impatience to get here, where we are now. Because right now, the show makes sense to me. ["Which is exactly why I voted for Adam repeatedly last night. I should probably be ashamed of that too. -- AC] www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_11_performances_1.php?page=8
So. Sarver drinky-drunked around, Allison forgot to be awesome a little bit, wooby Kris is coasting on his beauty, Lil did her usual boring perfect job, Adam Lambert is the ambassador from Planet Glitter Sex Parasite, Scott continues to sing feelgood songs nobody could ever care about, Alexis gave a nuanced and passionate performance that once again risks getting lost in the shuffle, Danny Gokeyed his pants again, Anoop finally realized he's on American Idol, Boobs McGee distracted once again from her own distractingly weird performance, and Matt G ruled the world for the second week in a row. Tomorrow, there will be much filler and the POV will rear its head, Megan will find herself a fucking bra God willing, and who knows who's going home -- Sarver and Corkrey have voter base, I think, and Scott's memorable no matter what crap he sings, which makes me worry about Alexis and maybe Allison -- because this season is turning out to be really good... Which is weird. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_11_performances_1.php?page=16
Ryan's like, "Remember our new rule? Of course you do, Simon. Don't play." I don't have time to talk about it, because he's talking about PoV and how maybe they will use it tonight. PS, they won't. It's the second week of the show. Come on. So there's Kris doing some tender thing that made people who are not me very happy; Megan being effing weird with boobs; Sarver sucking dirt like a nodding donkey; Allison still floundering aimlessly with her monster talent clutched in her tiny hands; Alexis earning the hate of all people who are not me; Lil Rounds playing this game like chess, as it should be; Scott singing some damn song and being threatened with blindness by Paula; Adam freaking the fuck out of everydangbody; Danny Gokey being a nasty motherfucker as usual; Anoop bringing a gun to a whiffle fight; and Matt G being your boyfriend again.
Singing "Trouble" with Scott at the piano, just to piss off Paula, and the voices so obviously lip-synced that it's like a Fusion ad without the automobile; the boys pretend to sing, Scott plays the piano and no sound comes out, the girls all do variations of Megan's stupid dance. The girls advance on the Judgery and it sounds like crap; Kris is wearing a three-piece and looks hot as hell, while Mike looks hippy. Everybody else is annoying, and I include this song itself and Mike's face when I say that. This is the kind of cheesy that I am looking for, up to and including Adam and Lil singing to each other like they have anything to talk about. Yeah, I smell "T-R-O-U-B-L-E" too, and it starts with T and that rhymes with G and that stands for the gross salty-ass ramen noodles ten of you will be slurping this time next year in lieu of food. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_11_results_1.php
...Alexis and Adam, the only people in this competition, which means one of them is going home, and you and I both know Adam's going to the Final Two, so whatever. Simon says Adam was even worse on tape, and then the whole world goes into TMTH mode as Randy stares directly into the camera -- did you see this? -- and goes, "I liked the Jeff Buckley take. I liked the Jeff Buckley take." I mean staring at the camera, like we are a cheeseburger. Begging to be let back into these recaps. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_11_results_1.php?page=7
Oh, did I mention it's Motown Night? Because yeah: What they love on this show is when you "switch up" Motown and express your integrity. Adam is probably going to sing "Ain't No Mountain" while riding a pink exploding rocket around the place. Simon's like "Well, these are really good songs, but tonight is going to suck. But you should make it original, but don't. Or not."
The Idols themselves aren't wearing too much in the way of interesting clothing. From the left, there's ... Some guy I don't recognize. Maybe he's going to help out Scott during the group sing? Wait, this is Performances. Who the eff... Oh, dang. It's Adam. That's amazing. He's wearing a fitted suit and looks like he has Stone Butch Blues, but there he is. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_10_performances_1.php
The kids fly to Motown, where the most flattering group of Idol fans is there screaming and carrying on, Smokey Robinson continued to be terrifying, Danny was smarmy and bored, to be fair it is kind of boring listening to how "every village, every town, every city has the same amount of talent," and they wander around the famous studio for awhile. Lil is sort of overcome by the immanence of history, and then they all take a picture. As usual, Scott is the only person who knows how to make a normal photograph face. Then they sing "Ain't No Mountain" with Smokey, who is wearing cargo pants and a giant hoodie the same color as his freaky, scary eyes. And yes, the little dance Adam does at the end of the piano is pretty gay but I think we have yet seen nothing, and then the Motownies are in the audience with a killer lady. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_10_performances_1.php?page=2
How is that possible? How can Adam possibly surprise you when surprising you is all he knows how to do? Is he going to totally button it down or something? Because that sounds sort of awful. It would fit his weird Thin Blemished Duke look he's working, but I think even a buttoned-down Adam is still going to be pretty fucked up, no? We'll see. But oh! But first, Adam Lambert and Smokey Robinson dealing with each other. I'm more excited to see that than the song itself, almost. That is some intriguing shit. "I'm kind of an alien lady." "I too am an alien lady." "Let's go get some Dippin' Dots and go to a petting zoo." "I was totally thinking that. But first let's go to an upholstery store and mock the impudent fabrics." "And then build a robot!"
Adam is totally wiggy and nervous with Smokey, because he's singing "Tracks Of My Tears," which is pretty awesome to think about. Smokey's really into other people interpreting songs he's written, and says in all his hundred years of listening to people do this song, nobody has done the Adam thing to it. I am on the edge of my chair, because if Smokey Robinson is like, "Weird, but good," that's like a fractal. He cracks Adam right up trying to explain the way the song usually builds, and it's fairly adorable how he's like, "Yadda yadda, look at my face, blah blah," but not as adorable as Adam's little delighted giggle. I don't think he's smiled this sincerely since we've met him. It makes me think Smokey is not as scary as I thought he was. He says he's very proud of Adam's low-level thing, and they talk about the poetry of the song, which is sort of Dickensonian in that you don't think about the literal words, which are all about a person crying so much and for so long that you can actually see it on their face later. I never thought about that, and Adam's whoof says he didn't either, but what a sad ghostly thing.
Which is pretty much how he does it: on a stool, dressed like a dude, with a guitar player alongside. There's a falsetto section that's pretty much gorgeous, and then the "smile is my makeup" part slides up past that into Smokey territory, getting some applause, and the whole audience claps along with the song. Adam Lambert sings like an angel! I was so distracted by him waving his penis around and scaring little kids with it that I didn't even really know that. At the end he starts crying his own self, and then Smokey leads a standing ovation with tears in his eyes, and Kara makes a point of standing up too. Damn. That was amazing, I'm so glad everybody was down. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_10_performances_1.php?page=10
Kara calls it one of the best of the night, and praises his artistry, and Paula points out once again that he's in his own league. She loves the handsome nature of him tonight, in the suit and the Elvis hair and lack of nail polish, etc. Simon disagrees with Kara: it was the best performance of the night. Oh, I'm so happy! The whole room is sort of on fire right now, and everybody's sort of fidgety and weird -- like always -- but in this case it's because they're happy and not just because they're uncomfortably intrigued. Ryan's like, "So you win tonight, that's fun." Adam can't handle any of this, which makes it even more awesome.
However will we come down from this high?Oh, hello Danny Gokey, smarming once again into the camera like a scary uncle. That's how. I'm going to watch that whole thing again first, I have no pride at this point that would prevent me from telling you that. I wish Adam and Matt would get evicted like immediately so they could have their own show where they sing a couple of songs, and say some interesting things about stuff, and just call it a night. Ryan can come too. I never quite resolved my stuff with David Cook but I will say that without him, there would be no Adam, and so I am happy about David Cook both for his own personal awesomeness and for what he forced onto the table for this year. That is cool. Also cool: Scarfy McHotterson sitting with Adam's posse. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_10_performances_1.php?page=11
Matt G took two things that are not really all about sex -- himself and the song about getting it on -- and managed to make that less true than you might think. Kris Allen did his whole thing, and was a movable feast as usual, but seems to be losing weight. Scott no longer has a place in this competition, but becomes personally cooler every week. Megan Joy never had a reason to be here, and loses ever more charm each week. Anoop is a serious contender and his voice is like a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Sarver is a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Lil was awesome in about six decades at once. Adam Lambert explained through words and pictures that he is going to be winning this shit nine weeks from tonight. Danny Gokey has a voice and a cuteness, which is just not enough, and we've officially seen all he's got to offer. And then there's Allison, who is a weird savant at being on this show.
Tomorrow: Smokey/Joss Stone, Roooooben, and one of these poor jerks gets put through the PoV torture chamber before being eliminated. Assuming Allison doesn't get dicked around again, you're looking at: Adam, Matt, Anoop and Allison for the best of the night, and Lil and Danny because they're solid and good at this. Kris and Scott are probably safe, which leaves Megan and Sarver, and I feel like I've said that ten times already and my fear is that I'll say it ten more times before we're done, and Sarver will be pounding it 'til kingdom come. For me, I'd put Scott in the bottom three with them, but I doubt that's how it'll play out. This crazy show, with such talented people! What are you thinking, Idol? www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_10_performances_1.php?page=13
Ryan calls last night "eclectic," which is an interesting word for what it was, which was sort of so well-done that it was boring (everybody), or so weird and horrible that it should go away post-haste (Sarver and Megan), or Adam who is not in a category of any kind to the point that if you think he is, poof he is not. Unless that category is "Things Smokey Robinson Loves More Than Kittens," of course.
Okay medley time, after a little technical fuckuppery. Allison is dressed like a daycare worker, Megal is dressed like a Farrah Fawcett poster on the garage floor, and Lil is dressed like Nadia Turner's mom. They are lipsynching the shit out of it. Why. Why do we even have to watch this, if there's no chance of a fiery wreck? When does this become Sonny & Cher Variety Hour or whatever? The guys are pretty hard to take running through the medley ("You're All I Need To Get By," "Ain't No Mountain") with really lame toe-touching dance moves, lots of white light, and monochrome footage of Diana Ross and the inside of a building. And I don't know how to spell Berry Gordy, and that word is rubato; and last year I didn't know to spell Berry Gordy or what that word was; and next year I won't know how to spell his name, or what that word means. Lil and Adam get the big solos, and do a great deal with them as usual. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_10_results_2.php?page=1
Then the Idols put together a picture of like a lovely country road that they can drive their pimpmercial cars down, while singing "Pocketful Of Sunshine" in boring, monotone voices, but they look very pretty.
So a little bavardage about how they flew to Detroit some more, and then: screaming meemies in the audience, yes, Adam is safe of course, so whatever. Matt had a solid performance and was a front-runner, but is IN THE BOTTOM THREE. Mike goes, "Bullcrap!" and it's really cute. Matt heads over to the stools while his people in the audience freaks out because people are booing this decision, and somehow they think that he is being booed, so they get all stressed out and weird about it. Nice. Megan says something weird to Adam, who is not interested, and then Kris stands up. The judges liked him, but think he needs more self-belief. Simon laughs at this. Ryan goes, "And Kris... Wow. You too... Are safe." Kris has been gotten once again. Then Ryan asks Lil and Mike to stand up together. Now that's just mean. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_10_results_2.php?page=2
[Stevie Wonder sings.] And then there's Danny Gokey dancing around like the toolshed he is, which normally would befoul my mood immediately, but LOOK! STEVIE! Paula sings the "Overjoyed" song to Simon, and leans in for a kiss, and Kara acts like a douchebag a little bit in her chair, and Adam dancing in the couches is... Everybody's acting like a dork. It's sweet, really, but I wish I weren't watching it. Stevie makes everybody dork out like they're Oprah. Is there anything harder to watch than Oprah having a good time?
Anoop is going nerdcore again, which is nice and works for him if you don't look closely at it. Matt I can't see through Megan's high-waisted mom jeans everybody is wearing right now, I guess to make themselves look like moms. Kris looks delightful, Lil looks like a Golden Globes announcer nobody recognizes, Scott's in all black and Adam continues to look disconcertingly male. Allison, man. She is also wearing a hot pink bridal cake, but it's pregnant with stupidity...[Jacob continues to rant about Allison's outfit for the next 1 1/2 paragraphs] www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_9_performances_1.php
And Adam, will he be doing something totally fucked up? Oh yes. "Play That Funky Music," of course. Like he's in a musical about funky white people, with one hand on his squirrel, making strange plosive sounds with his mouth, twirling on the stage, twisting the time signature around and around like it's stuck in a Topsy Tail, screaming on his knees he will sing it. It's kind of like church, if church were a discotheque full of snakes. At the end he is so out of control he's like WOOOOO! Not of his own volition, and Paula is actually on her stomach wriggling toward him. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_9_performances_1.php?page=9
Paula gives a wild speech comparing him to Jagger and Tyler, Simon calls him "brave" and a welcome antidote to the bullshit preceding, and they agree he was clearly having the time of his life. I like it when Adam has a good time, because it makes everybody in the room go absolutely shit-hot nuts, which is exciting. He praises the band and their overwhelming arrangement, and then Kara says she -- like all of us -- pretty much waits for this show to get to the Adam part to see what the fuck he's going to pull. Then she compares it to Studio 57, which is I think like Studio 54 but with 57 separate ingredients, like a delicious condiment that perhaps you would like to eat with some french fries. The three extra ingredients are even more gayness, mindbending WTF, and technically keeping the pants on. Studio 54 is kind of like church with snakes, actually. Kara and me, sometimes it's like this, but we usually get back to this pretty quick. Ryan says something that makes Adam laugh about how he needs to loosen up, and then tries to climb inside his jacket. www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american_idol/top_9_performances_1.php?page=10
This is for major Adamtopia announcements. If you want to discuss Adam, start with today's Daily News & Information thread.
bamafan: Irish.....Just happened to look down here....I never do. lol. So glad you got it! Not going down to Florida this time, but hope you can go to a QAL show in Tampa or Sunrise.
Dec 5, 2018 23:52:25 GMT -5
nannygoat: Just heard this parody of Bohemian Rhapsody. Thought everyone would enjoy it. Amazes me how people can be so creative. ow.ly/p9ZH30niDPS and did I mention how much I am enjoying all the 'goodies' we got lately? "Feel Something" is gorgeous.
Mar 10, 2019 17:28:10 GMT -5
suzysuzy79: Never done this before-- can you tell? I want to learn how to chat with you exceptional ladies that I've followed and been thrilled by, since 2014. Somebody teach me how to talk with y'all, please. Thanks for help.
May 22, 2019 14:12:12 GMT -5
cassie: No one reads the shoutbox regularly. To chat with us, type in the QUICK REPLY box above the shoutbox. Or to reply to a specific post, click on QUOTE in the right top corner of the post and start typing your reply. Welcome! Join in.
May 23, 2019 0:49:47 GMT -5
atomom: Adam's artistry is in full display: the surprise of hiccuppy gasps right before "new eyes", the sensuous tongue, one-two punch of "damn" smile, head thrown back, body drops to heavy guitar beats, a lusciously looking Adam--all make NE a visual/aural feast.
May 26, 2019 15:08:34 GMT -5
Q3: ladyregent: The Shoutbox is really for announcement -- if you want to discuss Adam, go to the Daily News Thread for today. You will be able to post there.
Jun 20, 2019 23:22:56 GMT -5
Jablea: Tonight's the night!
Jul 10, 2019 20:59:08 GMT -5
LindaG23: Front page has a mxlr, is there a streamer?
Jul 10, 2019 21:43:56 GMT -5
jason90405: The complete MTV Pride 2 hour special "Adam Lambert's Fierce Pride Anthems". I did miss the first 30 seconds when he was talking about performing for Cher but you can watch or downloads the whole thing here: drive.google.com/file/d/1H3NfgxeBpk0H
Jul 14, 2019 22:54:29 GMT -5
phronni7: Linda, Thank you so much for your kind wishes and thoughts. I tried to send an earlier thanks, but I don’t know what happened. I was definitely in Zombie mode and might still be to some extent. But I love “I was born to Love You”. Than you again, Laur
Oct 22, 2019 2:09:30 GMT -5
irish1139: Is anyone doing a 2020 Adam Lambert calendar
Nov 9, 2019 8:21:28 GMT -5
irish1139: Is anyone doi
Nov 13, 2019 18:46:33 GMT -5
irish1139: Is anyone doing an Adam Lambert calendar for 2020
Nov 13, 2019 18:47:49 GMT -5
cassie: Irish, I don't think anyone regularly checks the shoutbox. But, I am not making a calendar this year. Sorry.
Nov 13, 2019 19:43:38 GMT -5
deb5anne: Looks and sg
Dec 12, 2019 21:41:26 GMT -5
deb5anne: Looks and sounds great!
Dec 12, 2019 21:41:53 GMT -5